Author: profshep

lacking

God replied to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: I AM has sent me to you.” Exodus 3:14

Have you ever come across an idea a word cannot express, a scenery a photo cannot capture, a love a heart cannot hold? Too deep, too majestic, too weighty for an alternate representation. As I stare at my keyboard – the letters often fail to arrange themselves into words. As I gaze out my window – the beauty will not yield to the constraints of an image. As I peer into my past – the loss feels more than the sum of each day.

This is why, of course, God simply declared himself as “I am.” A truth that reveals nothing and everything in three letters. And so the undefinable will always remain questionable. Does God really speak? Is there a reality beyond what we can see? Can we know a perfect love that drives out fear? It seems a lofty goal to remain sane in the insanity of belief as I fight to find the words to communicate hope, the photograph to portray restoration, and the strength in a promise for what is still to come. 

favor

“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God.” Ephesians 2:8 

You know the feeling of beating the odds with a roll of the dice, or discovering you were dealt a striking royal flush, or spinning a wheel that stopped on the perfect number, or pulling a handle to reveal the display of “jackpot!” I actually never gamble, because I understand the nature of probability. I’ve done the calculations. I’ve studied its implications. I’ve observed its outcome under the constraints of a small sample space.

There is no reason in the random, or cause in a chance, or objective in the odds. The outcome is completely undeserved and irrespective of any action that precipitated it. This is grace. A favor that is improbable, unfathomable, beyond belief. More than a gift, better than free – it is like winning the lottery everyday.

incredulous

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.” Psalm 118:1 

It’s a wonder that God can wonder. The one who sees all, knows all, is before all things – how could He possibly not know the answer, the reason, the explanation behind the question posed? And yet there was a time I believe Jesus truly wondered, “Weren’t ten men healed? Where are the other nine? Why was this foreigner the only one who came back to thank God?” It appears even God can be shocked, stunned, dumbfounded in the face of ingratitude. 

I like to think that I would have been the one to come back. How can I not be grateful for shelter from outside temperatures hovering in the teens, for sharing a meal with a stranger rather than eating alone, for a short holiday before the storm of assignments, assessments, and analysis that mark the last few weeks of the semester. It feels like the perfect time to pause, ponder and praise the One who is over all, through all, and in all things. 

And so for a moment, I will spin around the circular definition that portrays thanks as an expression of gratitude and gratitude as the quality of being thankful. I’ve learned this spiral leads only to an acknowledgment that words are often inadequate to capture the depth, carry the passion, convey the wonder I wish to express, and yet words are all I have to offer. 

speechless

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift. 2 Corinthians 9:15

What leaves you without words? The golden moment when the world lights up as it reflects a vibrant cast of hues saturating the evening sky, the heart stopping instant when your eyes meet the gaze of someone who transforms your surroundings into a vacuum, the immortal minute when you sit in the stillness of a goal completed enveloped by the satisfaction of an end.

It’s nice to know not everything can be defined, conveyed, explained. So do not fear when your mind goes blank and you have no thoughts to portray. Take time to revel in the white space, play in the vacancy, frolic in the emptiness. It is only there you will discover the greatness of the gift that left you speechless.

seeing

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.   Hebrews 11:1

It’s so easy to take for granted the ability to see with our eyes. It is a gift to perceive color, consistency, curvature of objects that are close. An opaque velvety red rose, a transparent crystal blue sea, a hazy burnt orange sunset.

At some point we begin to measure our observations, record the output, and add error bars to life.  If we think too much of it, the propagated uncertainty can leave us paralyzed – stuck in the status quo, lost in a sea of data, cowering to the variability inherent in a change of state.

But it is also possible to see with our mind. The brilliance of a vision not yet complete. The vividness of a dream not yet reality. The clarity of a perspective not yet understood. When we fix our eyes on what we cannot see, we learn to trust beyond our senses.

If we thought more of it, each step of faith builds confidence in the unseen. And since no one knows with certainty what will unfold in the next moment, why not boldly act with an assurance that as you leap into the future, you will land in a better place?

mystified

Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.  Habakkuk 1:5

To wonder is a peculiar prepositional phrase that morphs in meaning depending on its context. Awestruck wonder at the beauty of a mountain, curious wonder regarding its genesis, doubtful wonder about the assertion it could be moved with a little faith.

There are numerous unexpected twists in life that will tilt our head in question. The recovery time from the whiplash of confusion naturally depends on the impact of the turn. When a career with tenure presumed to be stable, becomes unstable; when a relationship promised to last ’til death do us part, falls apart; when you hold a loved one you’ve embraced a thousand times, one last time – you’ll be left with a lot to ponder.

This space that inhabits more ignorance than reason, more inquiry than answers, more incredulity than explanation is not the easiest place to reside. While I think I would have preferred a little warning, better notification, advanced insight – it appears such thoughts are futile. Because deep in my heart I know I agree, the greater the wonder, the harder to believe.

anniversaries

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:19-23 

It seems like I should have enough practice by now getting through a day I lived a year prior, and endured the previous year, and survived each year before that… but there are still certain dates I dread. No matter where I am, who I’m with, what I do – I’m still the common element.

There’s no escaping a pivotal moment that changed the course of history – setting off a chain reaction radically propagating each transformation until reaching steady state. Unlike events that are honored, esteemed, and cherished, some happenings may require a number of seasons to evolve towards bittersweet.

But as these days approach, it’s best to be proactive – creating a plan that impresses utility, imprints value, and inspires hope. This is because I’ve seen night fade into a thin strata of color, followed by the sun cresting the horizon. The next day acts like yesterday never existed. It marches in fearlessly, overtakes the darkness, and consumes the past.

The experience of the good that awaits makes the former appear untrue – as if it were a bad dream in contrast to the reality known when I awake. It is a welcome retreat, and I arise eager to experience the unexpected, the unexplainable, the unfathomable gift prepared for me that day. It is a day I will greet with arms lifted up, hands wide open, and a heart that is grateful.

meaning

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”  John 14:6 

Truth – firm as a rock and fleeting as the wind. Absolute, without compromise. No meddling, altering, blemishing that which is in its purest essence. More common, however, are our tainted thoughts, simpleton sayings, inaccurate interpretations, misguided misconceptions. What did Jesus say? What were his teachings? What are we suppose to get from the stories, the parables, the poetry expressed in words assumed to convey equivalent meanings in every native tongue unadulterated by the filter of a translator?

Many would find the sentiment “to each his own” uncomfortable, unscientific, unnerving in view of the bias implied. But the filters of genetics, environment, and experiences are impossible to negate. Thus the uniqueness of every line penned, the choice and placement of each word, the time, cultures, and technologies it spans, lends itself to misinterpretation, manipulation and sets itself up for mockery and mistreatment. And yet there is so much simplicity in the announcement “I am the way, the truth and the life” – and we are bidden simply to come. 

between

“…And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 

What does the middle look like for you? It could be the middle of a day or a week, a season or a life. I don’t see how a middle can be anything but messy. There is always an instant that neatly defines each start – accepting a job, planting a seed, declaring a war. In a similar manner, there is a tick that distinctly clocks the end – an employee is let go, a field is harvested, a treaty is signed. 

It’s easy to get lost in the grand expanse of time between initiation and termination. Wandering in a wilderness of moments that appear to lack direction, meaning and purpose – yet knowing this is where life happens. Lessons are learned, character is conceived, perseverance is produced. 

It seems I should be an expert by now at synthesizing the intermediate, interpreting the median, evaluating the midterm, but sometimes I just feel surrounded and want to give up. Being in between is never comfortable. Which is why I take solace in a promise assuring God is always with me – from beginning, through the middle, until the end. 

limits

From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us.  Acts 17:26-27

Boundaries – should we live as if they are static or dynamic? Is it possible to continually evolve under a fixed set of rules? It’s entertaining to consider the notion that the “laws” of science are not a permanent framework to derive understanding. What foundation is there to hypothesize and propose interpretations if the underlying principles assumed were not the same in the past and will not be true in the future?

We could simply add a time-dependent component to our theoretical models or employ a different time constant to reconcile an age when the average age was much longer than 80-years. Currently, however, the prevailing wisdom is that we presume an unchanging construct established under peer-review. But where did this strong bias for permanence come from when it seems more natural to favor change based on experience? What in the world is more constant than change?

The religious may argue for a wall of immutable statues based on their belief in an unchanging God. Isn’t this implied by the very name he declared for himself – “I am”? The problem with this assertion, however, is there are no limits in a nature that embodies all that was and is and is to be. Only infinity is the rightful “bound” of that which is inherently constant. Which, I guess, is the reason that all that evolves – exists in the physical world – must be assigned a time and marked out a place instilling a desire for that which is forever, eternal, and knows no end.